I don’t think you actually know just how awful dating is these days.
I mean maybe you do? Maybe, you’re actually single and you’re currently out there too, with me, in the wild, of online dating. You’re out there in the trenches of tinder, bumble, okcupid and match.com, and living, and experiencing the same awfulness I am. Maybe. But if you’re currently in a relationship, and you have been for a while, I don’t think you know. I think you think you know, but you have no idea. I mean I try and effectively articulate the struggles of dating in 2019, but me no good writer, me no think me articulate just how awful it really is “now a days”.
I’m only saying how awful it is “now a days”, comparatively to how it used to be. And this next statement, I’m about to make, might be the saddest thing you’ll ever read on this website. When I started online dating 13 years ago, things were different. Yeah, I started online dating nine, fucking, years ago. Nine. Ugh. That’s really, slightly, deflating, for me to actually type that out.
BUT, I will say, when I started online 9 years ago, it was admittedly, a bit absurd. Almost joking like. I mean, I was 23, right out of college, moved to a new city where I didn’t know a soul, and was doing online dating because “I don’t want to die old and alone, LOL”. And I knew that it’s ridiculous for a 23 year old to actually be concerned about dying old and alone at 23. I knew that then, and I wasn’t. That’s why there was always an “LOL” after I mentioned to people I was doing online dating in my new city of San Diego. Now, now at the age of 32, I’m doing online dating because “I don’t want to die old and alone, LOL”, it’s the same, but a slightly different “LOL”.
I’m just kidding. Mostly. But my outlook of dating has become more and more jaded of online dating over the years. And believe it or not, it’s not because I’m getting older and still single. It’s not. My outlook of dating online is increasingly becoming more and more jaded, each and every day, because the process, systems and methodology of online dating itself is becoming worse and worse.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane.
It’s 2006. I just moved to San Deigo for a job out of college. I was SUPER hesitant about doing online dating because of the stigma, at the time, of online dating. The perception of online dating at that time, was that it was for losers who couldn’t find people in real life. No really it was. I know it’s hard to believe now, because people sign up for 3 stupid dating apps a day, but back in 2006, it was like “Are you seriously doing online dating? Well, that’s embarrassing”. But whatever. I was new to San Diego, didn’t know anyone, and thought WHY NOT. So I did. Fast forward to 2 months after I moved to San Diego, I was messaging with this girl on Plenty of Fish, she gave me her number, and asked me to call her so we could have a conversation on the phone first. Had a great conversation, we coordinated a date for the next week, and I offered to pick her up, to which she accepted. Sounds normal right? Did you catch it? Did you notice anything interesting about that?
CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE IF I CALLED A GIRL IMMEDIATELY AFTER SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER TODAY?
HOW ABOUT IF I OFFERED TO PICK HER UP FOR THE DATE?
How it used to be
How it is today
No, because she would probably think I’m a serial killer who wants to isolate her and chop her up into a million pieces. And I get it, that’s just the way of the world today. That’s just how it works in 2019. Girls want to text you from their google voice number and they only want to initially meet you at starbucks for 13 minutes, as they park far away so you can’t follow them to their car. I get it. I hate it. But I get. Females, appropriately so, should be hesitant and error on the side of caution/safety when meeting guys online. I miss the days when it was okay for me to call a girl before the first date, where I could offer to pick her up, and take her to a nice place for dinner. Now when I tell people I offer to take girls to dinner for the first date, they look at me like I just said
“And then I buy them all Ferraris”.
I don’t understand the coffee date. It’s like I don’t trust enough that we will have a good enough time for a full meal of food, but at the same time you might be the person I end up marrying.
It sucks. Again, things change, I get it. I need to adapt to this throw away culture of dating. And what do I mean this “Throw Away” culture of dating. Great question <insert your name here>, it’s actually the reason I started smashing the keyboard to write this blog tonight. Since communication style has changed to basically texting or in app messaging, it’s so much easier to just stop communicating as a process to dating. And it’s much more socially acceptable to just not reply. And I’m not talking about not replying to initial messages, I’m talking about after you’ve already been in communication with someone, whether that’s texting, or you’ve actually gone out on some dates, or you’ve even banged. It seems to be okay now, to basically just “not reply”, and that’s not the universal code for “naaaaaaaaah”. And as I say this, people are reading this, and they’re saying “But Steven, that’s just how it works, get over it.”, and you’re right, it is. And I am over it, and I understand that’s how it works, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. AND I will be the first to say, I am 100 percent guilty of this too. I was actually called out, fairly, with one of my own blogs a few months ago with a girl I went on two dates with.
She pulled the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” move.
She linked to this blog here:
When is okay to fade out of a Relationship.
Things I’ve learned:
1.) I need to follow my own advice better
2.) Don’t date girls that know about this blog, it may come back in your face with a link to a blog about how not to be a douchebag when online dating
3.) Stop being so charming, modest, funny, strong, smart and modest on the first dates. Girls will become attached and want to date you more.
I too, can be a typical, 2015 online dater. I felt awful about it, still kind of do, even though it was only two dates. And by posting it here, humbly in front of all of you, I hope to do better going forward. Even though, and unfortunately, me not responding back, is completely status quo for dating in 2015, I just hope to hold myself to a higher standard. Not that responding back to a girl saying “I don’t want to date your face anymore” is going to get me more dates. I just don’t want to be part of the problem of online dating.
So the real reason I decided to start writing this post like 37 paragraphs ago before I started just word vomiting everywhere, was to share my recent disappointment a few weeks ago, with dating in 2019. I was messaging this girl on match.com for about a week, we exchanged numbers, she told me to give her a call. She didn’t say text me, she said CALL. I know right. We had a great conversation, lots of LOLs and such. We continued texting for about another week. We made plans for Friday, I thought. I text to confirm location/time on Thursday for our plans on Friday. RADIO SILENCE. Text again, once more, to see if plans were still on. RADIO SILENCE.
I can’t even. Why would she want to message for a week, text for a week and then disappear. I mean, realistically, I know why, it’s because:
- She had a better option come up
- She lost interest between Wednesday and Thursday
- She’s stuck at the bottom of a well
All 3 are fine. I just hate that the “no response”, it’s actually a pretty clear and typical response.
One text, two text, no response, move on.
I’m not mad at you online dating. I’m just disappointed.
Let’s go back to simpler times