Dating Tales of the Hilarious Kind
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Craig’s List All Stars

Craig’s List.  Where else on the internet can you find a job,  get free fill dirt, buy a urine soaked coach AND get a date!? Craig’s List! It baffles me the number of douche bags who post shirtless photos of themselves with posting titles like “hey guuuuurl”, and think “Yep, I’m gonna get so much ass. I’m talking like boy bad ass”.  They’re begging for me to make fun of them….

I would like to start with, yes I am going to be a sarcastic jerk when talking about the following post, but I think it’s fair.If someone somewhere around the world wanted to take something I’ve posted online and write a funny rant about what a douche bag I am, more power to them. Also I’m banking on the people I write about will never ever find out.

I found some creeps on Craig’s List. It always baffles me, the winners you can find on there. WHO is responding to these guys on Craig’s List!? KNOCK that shit off, it’s only breeding more creeps. I’m still too scared to pick guys who live in San Diego to make fun up, so I typically do my searches in the LA postings, as I think it the hour and half to drive down and murder me, would be a deterrent, as opposed to someone in my city who found out I was making fun of them on the internet.

Enjoy these creeps!

1) Boss UP

Not really  sure what he meant when he said “Boss Up”, so I had to look it up in Urban Dictionary:

“Boss up – to take a massive dump”

Craig’s List creepy profile

2) Schools crucial in my experience

I’m throwing the challenge flag on this one. “Schools crucial in my experience”. Apparently the school he went to wasn’t big on spelling, or grammar or capital letter.

creigslist profile

3) Eye magic through the camera

It is like he didn’t know his 1.2 megapixels webcam was going to take a picture, twice. SURPRISE!A And why would you post a photo, let alone two photos, where you look like you are trying to do the magic eye thing through the camera. Stop yearning, and head down to Sears, they can take some professional looking head photos. ALSO, if this guy gets a single response, I’m losing my faith in humanity.

funny dating profile

4) Worst. Murder. Ever.

Anytime someone who looks like this and tells you “not to worry about being maimed or killed”, they actually mean, “I can’t wait to murder you”

awkward craigslist dating profile

5) Craig’s judging eyes

Opening this post, scared the shit out of me. I thought it was Craig from Craig’s List, using his judging eyes on me for trolling through his list, and finding people to make fun of. Truth me told, I can’t stop staring deep into his eyes, while imagining me and him skipping hand and hand through a field on a summer day. Stare long enough, you’ll see what I mean. I do give this guy street credit for knowing that you can embed HTML tags into Craigslist post. This isn’t his first rodeo. But seriously, he is eye fucking the shit out of you right know, please scroll down before this gets weird.

dating profile creep

6) Breast Buddy

This one actually made me throw up on my keyboard. Is this even possible? “be serious” – How serious can you be when you’re telling a stranger on the Internet you want to suck human milk from her?

craigslist male profile

7) Put “fun” in the subject line

Also put “I shouldn’t be reproducing for the sake of the human race” in the subject line.

Craig's list awkward profiles

8) Shirtless Macho

If you’re going to post a photo of you shirtless, you might want to consider doing a sit up or two beforehand.

hilarious dating profile

9) Oh Snap – I’m gonna eat you

First of all this guy might actually be a giant. Literally. So, the average door height in the US is 6’8. Which makes this guy at least a thousand feet tall. I would be afraid to meet this guy, as he might want to eat me, because, you know, that’s what giants do. They eat people.

I don’t quite understand why he’s looking for a girl that can sing….maybe because they taste better?  And who the fuck still has a myspace?

Craigs List Losers

10)  “I Fu**En HaTe YoU”

Oh god. I don’t even know where to start.  Let’s start with the title.

nOtHiNg’S mOrE AnNoyiNg ThAn ThIs GuY. iF hE gEtS lAiD i’M kIlLiNg My SeLf.

That took like 15 minutes to type out. I don’t know how this guy wrote a whole f**king novel about how lame he is. Also I’m pretty sure he’s not the type of the guy that’s “into” girls anyways. I’m just sayin.

 

craigslist looser

 

11)  “Hey Wuts up stranger haha”

CraigsList awkward profiles

Party all the time – 23 (sun diego0)

I googled “sun diego0”, and nowhere is San Diego spelt with a zero. Nowhere. I can understand replacing San with Sun, as a play on words because of the awesome amount of sun we get, but I don’t get adding an extra zero AFTER he already spelt Diego correctly0.

“hey wuts up stranger hahah”

Either he think it’s funny to misspell “whats” or he thinks it’s hysterical to meet creepy internet girls, yeah, I’m talking about you. Or he might just be an idiot.  I’m willing to be bet, he might just be an idiot.

“well im alejandro im an actor and I work n go to school”

I hope he’s in school to be a crash test dummy. This guy doesn’t even believe in capitalizing his own name. Please go to school harder.

“i like to party, to get crazy every now and then hahah also I like to think im my future”

Why does he start laughing in the middle of his sentence. Did I miss his joke? He also likes to “think im my future”?? What the fuck does that mean. Does that mean he likes to think he’s his own future? That sounds like a pretty shitty future if you ask me.

“did I mention im Hispanic,?”

Did I mention I’m Hispanic comma question mark? No. No you didn’t asshole. Did you forget what you wrote all 3 “sentences” above. I feel like he had one of those Ron Burgundy moments…..I’m Hispanic? Question mark?

“mmm well I am im single and yeah that’s pretty much my life just a regular guy that want to find naughty love in a sexy”

I think at this point he bites into something tasty, which obviously prompts the “mmm” creeper sound in his post. “that want to find naughty love in a sexy” , in sexy what!? Finish your fucking sentence. The suspense is killing me. I can only assume he meant to end his sentence with “jail cell”.

12)  Opportunity for ULTRA Petite woman.

First. Who names their kid “Den”.He was doomed from birth to be a weirdo. You might be even say he”Den”n’t even have a chance….no? Alright, fine, you wouldn’t say that. F**k you.

Second. You “may” have come into a “very huge inheritance”, but you can’t fix ugly. Well, technically you can fix, but I mean you’re really really ugly. Good Luck.

Third. “Would PREFER someone who can appreciate money and good living”. Really? What girl is like “Nah, I’d rather be poor, and of there’s one thing I hate, id lt’s good living.”

Fourth. 4’6 to 4’10 who weighs 75 pounds? Holy Shit, it turns out you want someone who has the body of Golum.

CREEp town, the USA, population, this asshole. WHO is that small? I think if I saw a girl who weighs 75 pounds in real life, I would start shoving cheeseburgers into her mouth.

Its a fake, right? It’s actually a 12 year old boy who wants a 12 year old  girl look alike to send him pictures.

13) First one up is Chesty Mcgee.

First of all, this actually scares the hell out of me. The thought of the half man half boob creature shown above running wild around San Diego is very concerning. Maybe I’m just being a Jealous Jill, but seriously those are bigger than all the boobs I’ve ever seen, combined. Is that attractive to some girls?

craigslist dating profile

14) His Posting: I call it liar liar pants on fire

craigslist liar profile

I actually really hope this guy doesn’t find out I’m making fun of him, as he could tear of my arms with his neck muscles.
Next one I call Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I saw this one and jumped with glee at the idea of making fun of this ass clown.
If you’re going to flat out lie on your posting at least make it a good lie.
He claims to be the son of a fortune 500 Business owner and is seeking a woman to live a life of luxury. . . . . like really? 

This guy obviously thought out his super genius plan to get girls on Craig’s list prior to posting.I applaud his effort, but unfortunately for him I will use my super powers ofcynical sarcasm and my GIFT OF SIGHT to shoot holes in his flawless Craig’s list posting. 

I’m going to go sentence by sentence through Richey Rich’s posting to show you just where he went wrong.

“Hello, ladies i am currently the son of a furtune 500 Bussiness owner and I need a women who is ready to spend the life of luxury.”

Apparently, being a the son of a “Furtune”(look it up asshole, it’s spelt FORTUNE) 500 company he was unable to find a computer that has spell checker. Which is odd because I’m pretty sure that it started coming standard on computers made after 1993.
Also he mentions that he is “currently the son”, like as if tomorrow, magically, he won’t still be the son of this “fortune” 500 company.One thing I am sure of:
You are currently an idiot. 

“I know you might be confused at first, but you will get used to the change quickly as money has the power to do so.” 

He claims your small girl brains may be confused at first, but don’t worry ladies, it’s nothing that the power of money can’t fix. What I think is going to be most confusing to the ladies is why he picks them up in a Geo Metro for their date. 

“so act fast as i will go through the process very quickly. Beauty is what i am looking for. So a picture is a must less is better..”

Nothing to grand about this last sentence besides the spelling mistakes and poor grammar, but you better act fast before you lose out on such a great opportunity! Be sure to send pics! But I hope not too many reply, as it will jam up his dial up connection.

Get excited. Here comes the best part. Dude says:
“here’s a picture of me at my place..”

Here is my analysis. . . . .

Craig's list looser

15) Dinosaur Man Seeking Woman

dinosaur man

16) Gasping in Your Arms

Holy shit. Let me get this straight, not only do you look like Sméagol, you get your kicks from girls putting plastic bags over your head and chocking you?! I hope your email has enough space for the thousand of response you’ll probably get. Also what the Hell is on your shirt?! Though it is terribly disturbing to look it, it is slightly more attractive than you.

Better act fast ladies! He might not be breathing for much longer.

Craigslist all stars

17) …fooly cooly connection?

Maybe he meant to say he drives by the gym 6 times a day.

craigslist personals profiles

18) Single and Looking

  1. Hey, Jack Ass don’t tell us your name is “MMMMM”, attesting to be all mysterious then include a your baseball card with your NAME ON IT. I’m not a detective, but I thing your name is Fernando Valenzuela, jack ass. I hope a girl emails you asking you for your real name, you should then mate with her and proceed to have future rocket scientist of America.
  2. So, you mention like 376 times that you’re a professional baseball player, after using my detective skills to figure out your name, I did google search on “Fernando Valenzuela professional baseball player” and nothing on you turned up. I was shocked to say the least. I mean you clearly have a jersey on of some new professional team called “The Wizards”….
    I did some more sleuthing and here’s what I found about you:
    “The San Diego Padres took him in the 10th round of the 2003 amateur draft”
    What the hell is amateur draft? And really? The tenth round of the amateur draft? Isn’t like getting picked last for the JV team. I got a call the other day, apparently I was picked up in the 12th round.
    “and his defense took a turn for the worse, as his 11 errors tied Travis Ishikawa for the most in the “Northwest League”
    Ouch.
    “At the age of 23, he hit .169/.228/.197 in 28 games for the Mobile BayBears and was released be San Diego”

    Double Ouch.
    I’m a jerk. I’m just jealous that this “baseball player” picked up the in the a gazzzilion-ith round probably got laid because fo his ad.
    Craigslist dating funny profile

19) Back on the market

Craig's list creeps

20) Looking for a sperm donor cheap way?

What a nice guy. He is WILLING for the low price of “free” to “donate” his sperm to you to help you get pregnant. He is willing to bang your wife in order to help get her pregnant. He even states his commitment and dedication to the cause with “I will work with you until you get pregnant”. Bravo. You’re willing to bang my wife over and over and over until she pregnant? You sir, is pretty much an American Hero.

I want to be there, as the mother, standing in her double wide trailer, tells the child that he or she is a bastard child creation of Craig’s List. I can see the Maury Povich reunion show already.

craigslist freaks

 

I’m actually really curious as to how many girls fall for this post and respond to him with hopes of living a life of luxury.
Got me thinking. Maybe I should post up something like this. Claiming something ridiculous and see who responds. Example A . . . . . . .(a fake post I made up)

Well I was going to pick out a few more Craig’s list postings, but I think I’ll stop for today. Perhaps if this was a hit I shall continue with my analysis of CL postings. Let me know, comment so.

So ironically with all this Craig’s list talk about how people create ridiculous posting to attract girls, I need a date.  Apparently there’s some semi formal company dinner thing December 8th, that I am needing a date for. A lot of the “cool” kids from work are going and it should be a good time, so I went ahead and got two tickets in over confidence I can find someone to go with before then.

Now we all know how well it worked out last time when I made a pathetic plea for a date for Disneyland. . . . I’m not actually asking for a date, but if someone, in theory were free that day and would like a free delicious meal and drinks they should probably let me know. 

Leave me some comments. 

There you go, this proves it, the internet is still filled with weird people. Share This Post!

Steve

Steve

I am 30 and I am Single. I am writing the truth about online dating based on my personal experience. Hope you'll have fun!

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