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Dear Online Dating, Let’s Get Ridiculous. Penis Penis Penis.

So I was thinking, remember when I said I was giving up on online dating in my last blog? No? You don’t? Because you didn’t read my blog? Because I didn’t put profanities in the title? Well that’s why I put Penis Penis Penis in this one’s title. Yeah, I can tell you didn’t read it. Thank you google analytics. Anyways, I’m not here to yell at you for being a bad reader, I’m here to tell you, I am quiting online dating, but I think I’m going to go out in a ball of glorious, hilarious flames.

I had one of those “You can’t fire me, I quit moments”.  So as I’m sure you’re all aware of, online dating hasn’t really worked out for me,  and by hasn’t really worked out for me I mean it’s probably been the worst thing ever.  See for details. I did the math it turns out I’ve spent over 1100 dollars on just online dating subscription fees in the last 4 years.  I don’t care about the money, it’s the intangibles of time, stress and grief that online dating has caused me.  Anyways, instead of just doing the mature thing, and walking away, I’ve decided to get a little ridiculous with it before I go.

So my plan is to just start sending out messages to ladies on these dating websites with the whackiest , zaniest, awkwardiest, randomist, messages WE can possible think of. So hear me out, so far, to this point Real Life Steve has been doing all of the online dating. When Real Life Steve sends out thoughtful, interesting, personalized messages to girls on these sites his response rate is about 5 percent. Literally, about 1 in 20 girls I message will message me back. And I’m probably rounding up, just so I don’t sound as pathetic. It’s actually probably a lot lower of a return percentage of emails.  But I figure, I can’t do any worse right? I can’t go on any less dates, so why not send the most ridiculous messages just to see if I get a response? Here is an example of a message I sent tonight:

Not sure what I would say back if they respond, but I guess we’ll get to that bridge when it comes. So here’s what I need from you. I need clever, witty, funny, random, hilarious, messages to send to girls. Did you hear me. I need YOUR messages. Please leave them as comments. I will pick the best ones, and send them out.  Let’s do it.

You’re probably thinking “That’s absolutely horrible Steven, some people on that site are actually looking for their soul mate and true love. You’re making fun and games of it, just for material in your blog? You sir have a hit a new low”. SHUT UP. Shut up, shut up. I mean, thank you for the concern. I definitely took that into consideration.  But then I also took into consideration I’m SO OVER online dating that what’s the worst thing that happens? Someone responds? At the very least some girl somewhere in San Diego got some random message from a guy they weren’t going to talk to anyways, that probably made her laugh?

So the next blog will be your best messages  sent out? And any reactions? Will Single Steve get kicked off yet another online dating website? Stay tuned.


I am 30 and I am Single. I am writing the truth about online dating based on my personal experience. Hope you'll have fun!