Ear muffs. Sorry about the aggressive title. Actually I’m not. I lie. I mean, I feel bad if you’re at work right now reading this, and the biggest letters on your screen involve the words FUCK YOU. That’s always kind of awkward when you’re supposed to be “working”. If that’s the case, please scroll down like 2 inches (that’s what she said) and get those words off your screen. Also, thank you for taking the time to read this during work. Good for you, you’re probably under paid anyways.
Also if you’d like to take this opportunity to tell your female single co-workers about this blog, and ask them if they want to date me, I wouldn’t be mad. I’ll wait while you go do that……. No? You’re still here?You’re going to continue reading without telling any of your hot female co-workers? You’re kind of dick, but I digress.
I had some other titles in work for this blog, but they just didn’t capture the essence of what I was trying to say. Other titles include:
“Dear Eharmony, because of you I’m going to have to reproduce through mitosis”
“Dear Eharmony, I just bought the domain name FuckEharmony.com, no seriously, I did”
“Dear Eharmony, you took my money, dignity, and self respect, and all I got was this lousy blog”
It’s true, I actually did buy the domain name FuckEharmony.com, which I couldn’t believe was still available. I think I’ll just point it to my website and drive in 3 extra hits a week.
Does Eharmony Work?
So the purpose, the essence, of this blog, is that my eharmony subscription is ending this month. And I couldn’t be happier. This is my second stint on eharmony.com, this last stint I signed up for 6 months. In those 6 months I’ve been on 2 dates. Two average dates. Two blah dates. Two dates that probably shouldn’t have happened. Two dates where I was probably settling, compromising and giving in, just to go on dates. It’s not the dates fault. Not at all, they were perfectly normal, fine people, just not the match for me. The problem is, the process. Eharmony, and their fucking painful process.
Eharmony profile questions
First thing you have to do is fill out the SATs of online dating. It’s literally a 40 minute survey asking you the same question 37 different ways. So after you completed their riddles and questions, you then can start receiving “matches”, hurray! A “computer” matches you up based on “29 levels of compatibility”, which I’m fine with. It’s all so very exciting, at first. Because you’re thinking, wow some super computer down at Eharmony headquarters is crunching vectors and differential equations just to find my perfect mate, and everyday you log in and see new matches, that you think are hand picked from the computer gods above.
How eharmony matching works
At first it’s awesome you have matches sent to you, which you review and if you like you can proceed to step 1, which is you send them multiple choice questions. Now the tricky thing about eharmony is, it takes two to tango. You can’t proceed to the next awkward stage of eharmony until the other person responds back. So you send over your questions for stage 1 of 4 and then you have to wait for them to respond. And you wait, and you wait. But it’s fine, you don’t really care that this person hasn’t responded in a day or two because each day you get a new batch of matches hand picked by these computer gods as people that match you on 29 levels of compatibility. You don’t even notice that she hasn’t responded because your distracted by the new excitement of these new matches. But then, you start realizing, wait a minute, no ones responding back to you. But the new matches keep coming in, 7 a day, and you keep sending over your stage one questions, and you keep waiting for them to respond. I figured out that if I log in at 12:01am and do a new “Find New Matches” search I will get 7 new hand computer picked matches. So everyday since I’m up at midnight, I log in and get my 7 new exciting matches. So before you know it, you’re waiting on 5 girls to respond back, and then it’s 10, then 20, then 50! I know right, how ridiculous is it to be “communicating” with 50 different girls all at the same time, all waiting for them to respond. You want to talk about ridiculous???? Let’s get ridiculous.
As of tonight I was in stage 1, waiting for 748 matches to respond back to me from stage 1. That’s right. SEVEN HUNDRED AND FOURTY EIGHT fucking matches. That’s active, open, matches, that I’ve sent my multiple choice questions over to, and I’m patiently waiting for their response.
You’re probably thinking Steven, you should be more selective anyways, you can’t just be communicating with every person you get matched with. Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me. I know I can’t, and I don’t. In ADDITION to the 748 matches I am currently waiting for a response for, I have also 436 archived matches and 721 matches I’ve closed out.
So all together I have been matched with 1905 different females. REALLY!? Eharmony fail. So you’re saying I matched on 29 levels of compatibility with almost 2000 women in San Diego? Or whats more likely is you sent me every girl in San Diego in 7 girl increments.
What’s most upsetting about this shenanigans is that I am waiting for 748 girls to get back to me, with stage 1 questions. The multiple choice questions have to be picked from a provided list and the answers are already provided. All I do is pick which questions to send.
Apparently girls need months and months before then can decide that they want to respond back to me with these tough hitting question?
You’re probably thinking well, there has to be a glitch in the matrix. There’s no way that 748 girls just haven’t responded back to you. They’re probably closed you out and you didn’t know. False. I WISH they had closed me out, that way at least I know they’re weren’t interested, they would be removed from my list. And I don’t close out any matches even though they haven’t responded in weeks/months because there’s always a chance. There’s always a chance that she decides 5 months later, yep, todays the day I answer that guys multiple choice questions. And me being a man of statistics and math, knows that even though it’s only a half percent chance she will actually respond, that’s half a percent chance for every single one of the 748 girls. I think it’s actually a cumulative binomial probability problem.
Where basically it’s a small win chance per girl, but cumulative the win chance becomes greater with each girl added to the pool. It’s like buying a lottery ticket. You know your chances of winning are slim to none, but that doesn’t mean you throw away the lottery ticket. You still hold on to it, and check to see if you won, you know, just in case. Or maybe that’s why girls don’t respond back to me? Because I know about cumulative binomial probability.
In any case, I’m baffled as to why girls just don’t close out the match if they’re not interested. Instead I wait and wait and wait.
Is it possible I’m a troll? I actually posted this question to eharmony on their facebook wall.
Diane’s a bitch. I have no idea why my matches don’t just close out the match if they’re not interested. What’s more likely is eharmony never deletes accounts, so I’m matched with girls that joined for the free weekend 6 months ago, and don’t even know they have a message from me in their queue. At least that’s what I tell myself, so I can sleep at night.
Another thing I don’t like about eharmony is all the fucking ads. Yes, ads. Not only are they’re charging me about 30 bucks a month, they also bombard me with ads!? What the fuck are they doing with all the money I give them each month!? I expect ads on a free site, but not one where I’m paying!?
So here are the actual Eharmony Prices for the USA:
|Subscription Length||Monthly Price|
|Subscription Length||Monthly Price|
Only last thing I hate before I stop my rant. Apparently, it’s a good thing my subscription is ending. I think I’ve run out of girls in San Diego to be matched with. More recently my matches have been have been way out of my San Diego radius, as far as Los Angeles!? My distance is set to the smallest at 30 miles away. My math might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure LA is farther than 30 miles from San Diego.
My subscription ends at the end of this month. I didn’t find love. I’m not going to end up in one of their commercials. I guess I have to find another way to waste money on girls that aren’t making out with me per month.
Is this typical? Or am I the only one to have hundreds of matches?
Pass this along to anyone that’s thinking about doing eharmony.com, it’s your American duty.
I would love to hear your stories as well!
Dear eharmony, Fuck you.
So since posting this blog, eharmony has CANCELED my account. That’s right. They fucking canceled my account. I got an email saying my last month was refunded and when I tried to log in it said:
Say whaaaaaaaaaa. Apparently in the terms of agreement they can cancel your account at any time for any reason. But seriously eharmony!? Because I wrote a blog about my negative, yet 100 percent accurate and true, experience!? BULL SHIT. I can only assume that’s the reason why, some how, some way they linked Single Steve with my real life eharmony account, and CANCELED me. I called and spoke to a guy, and all he could say was “all I can do is refer you to the email”, he literally said that like 7 times. That’s all he could say, and read off his script, when I asked him, but WHY was my account canceled. The email I got was the MOST generic email ever.
Yep. That’s all I got. An auto response.
I’m pissed about this, but not sure what to do. I know legally they CAN cancel my account at any time for any reason, but SHOULD they cancel my account just because I blogged about my experience in a negative way.
Dear eharmony, Fuck you.