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Apparently I gave up sex for Lent

Dear Diary,

Let’s talk about sex. No not really because that’s awkward. Especially since lots of my family, friends and co-workers read this blog. And if they are, I don’t have sex, hi mom, I’m saving myself for eight pound 6 ounce baby Jesus. Which actually sounds creepy when I type it out loud, that I’m waiting for this 8 pound 6 ounces of baby Jesus to give me permission to have sex again, I mean, have sex for the first time. Can babies even talk? I mean sure, it is Jesus, but still. There was that one movie “Look who’s talking”, which growing up I probably saw at least 37 times. Remind me to watch it again to see if it’s still as awesome I remember.

Anyways. I haven’t been struck by lightning yet, so I guess I can continue this blog.

We’ll start with my last date.

My last date was not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven months ago. Seven. That’s like 210 days. And by date, I mean the girl that was the worst kisser ever date. If you would recall

I tell her, if I have another bottle of wine, I will be unable to drive her home…..with the assumption we would both just go back to my place blocks away….she says yes, lets get another bottle of wine.

Dear Diary.

So we finish the 3rd bottle of wine, at this point we were both versnickered obviously. We are actually in such poor shape, I insist we take a taxi for the 4 blocks back to my place, as opposed to the 30 minute epic walk it was sure to going to be at that point. We get back to my place…..I’m pretty excited at this point, like the first time I heard the Beatles type of thing, so we start kissing, well what she considered to be kissing. She was the worst kisser I’ve kissed since 8th grade, no not you Hillary Volsteadt. It was the worst thing ever, it was terrible, absolutely the worst. It’s hard to explain, but imagine if someone were to just hold their mouth slightly open with no lip movements, with their tongue slightly out. Yeah, I would later compare it to kissing a corpse to my friends. Kissing someone who doesn’t move anything is awkward. And then when she did “use” her tongue, she jabbed it out like a lizard and just kept it out, like she was trying to touch her nose? It was a complete turn off. I went from thinking it was going to be boom boom time, to thinking I’ll never be able to get an erection again.”

Yeah, that date. I have not been on a date since then. Apparently? I was really trying hard to think back in the last half year because I refuse to believe that to be true. But, according to my calculations, and the online diary I keep at this website , it is ridiculously true. I did go on a really good date like activity for my company holiday party in December, you know the one where it ended with me drunk at her door step and I told her “I’m impressed with everything you do”, but I didn’t count it because unfortunately that was more of two awesome people just having an awesome time, apparently. Also we didn’t make out, had we made out, I probably would have considered it a date. This blog was partial inspired by the my lack of dates, and date envy of @CaliBradShaw. She went on an awkward first date tonight, but also replied she hopes her date tomorrow goes better. Two dates in two days!? So at that rate she will go on that 365 dates per year. And at my current rate I’ll go on 1.714 dates per year. She’s going on 212.95 times more dates than me per year. Obviously I exaggerate, and there’s no way she’ll go on 365 dates this year, I mean she’ll probably only go on 200 dates if she’s lucky. Anyways, her talking about her dates got me thinking about my current dry spell dilemma. Well not so much as a dilemma, as it is a crisis. Well not so much a crisis, as is the hilarious and embarrassing story that is my life.

Can I also just tell you, I hate dating. I do. With the passions of a thousand suns. I hate the whole early part of getting to know you, awkwardness stage. I just want to jump to the comfortable 1 month in, fun and exciting stage, where it’s probably not even called dating any more, it’s more of a “relationship”. You know the stage where it’s like we’re bored so I invite you over and we’ll cook dinner and watch a movie at my house. If I offer that same thing to a girl I’m just starting to date, she’s probably going to think I’m a creep who wants to lure her back to my house so I can harvest her organs. I hate dating. Not that I do it, but in theory, I hate the whole process. This is why I like my date my friends you already know approach. Anyways, you have eh dee dee, focus.

Another fun fact: I haven’t kissed a girl….sober….in even LONGER than that. Yep. Did your head just imploded? Can you at least pretend to be shocked. I am? I mean, in principle, I’m shocked. I mean I should be shocked, right? I feel like I’m very kissable, or at least mildly kissable. Or let’s just agree that I’m not a troll. Yeah, let’s just start with I’m not a troll. So it’s true, I’ve kissed girls in the past 9 months, but all the girls I may or may not have made out with may have been under the influence of alcohol. A lot of it. So that’s why I don’t “really” count it. It’s just that when you make out with a girl sober, it’s got a WAY different value, then let’s say making out with a drunk girl that doesn’t know her name. Don’t get me wrong I love me  a drunk make out, love it, but the real test is, would you kiss her sober and would she pretend to know you when she’s sober. That’s the real test. Keep it classy San Diego.

Again, I’m not talking about sex. It’s awkward and TMI. And I mostly just titled the blog that to get your attention and get you to click on the link. But let’s just say it’s been so long, that medically speaking, I might be a virgin again. I mean for the first time, again. You know what I mean. Sorry Mom.  Anyways sex is sex is sex. This blog isn’t about sex. That’s not even what I miss most about being in a relationship, what I miss most is someone to share funny, awkward, epic, inside jokes, awesome, memories with.  I’m not trying to be 30 by the time I finally start sharing memories with someone I care about. I’m not saying I’m trying to get married tomorrow, but you’re never too young to start sharing adventures. I know a lot of you are going to say “You have plenty of time, guys can wait until late 30’s before they get married”, which I agree with, but what does that mean? Does that mean I just dick around by myself for the next 10 year just because it’s socially acceptable? Negative ghost rider. Anyways that’s not the purpose or debate of this blog, this blog is about is about dry spells and your funny solutions to it. I know some of you have gone on much worst dry spells, I just feel like I’m in an unnecessary funk. AND I KNOW you clowns are always going to say “Just let it happen, you’re trying too hard”, you know what I say “Shut your fucking mouth when you’re talking to me”, just kidding, thanks for your input! It’s always valued here at! No but seriously, shut your mouth immediately. I’ve tried not trying, I’ve tried trying, whatever I’ve been doing is not working and that where YOU come in.

This is going to be fun, promise. Stop being emo and focus.

I want to try different, funny, ridiculous, interesting things to meet new people? Comment on this blog and I will take the best 3-10 options and actually do them.

Last time I took your input it resulted in hilarious first messages, so I’m pretty excited to see what you come up with.

I’ve already got some good ideas from some people:

  • Rent a puppy
  • Wear an Ed Hardy bedazzled shirt out one night

Leave your ideas as comments, and people can vote on their favorites with the thumbs up or thumbs down of each comment.

These don’t need to be, nor do I want them to be, “serious “ ideas in a way that I’m seriously going to be using them to see if meet my future wife, I just want to turn try fun, different, ridiculous, unique things to outside my normal approach of work, school, play, volunteering to meet people.



I am 30 and I am Single. I am writing the truth about online dating based on my personal experience. Hope you'll have fun!